(the photos above are my own work.)
Help a starving artist/designer.
Posts tagged: life
A while ago I decided to keep a “workout jar” as a way to keep me motivated. I’d put $1 in every time I worked out.
I owe it $12 but am so broke right now and therefore too cheap to add to it because I need that money to eat right now.
So instead I’m keeping a tally of my exercise so I can add that money later when I have it…
I wonder how much I actually have in there right now…I’m avoiding taking any of it out because I have a feeling I will be thanking myself sometime in the future when I really, really need it, or it somehow pays for something awesome for myself…maybe I’ll keep it going until it can pay for a boob job…holy shit, ultimate workout motivation!
…because I tend to fail at keeping them. However, 2012 has been such a headfuck of a year, with half of it involving me feeling like absolute shit, feeling too upset to leave the house and too anxious to do anything.
I want to try my hardest to grab 2013 by its metaphorical balls and do my best to not let depression and anxiety get in the way of doing things.
By the end of the year I want to be confident with how I look, or at least comfortable enough with my body that I can fake confidence all the time, instead of just every now and then.
I want to give up some of my bad habits or at least seriously minimise them, and completely revamp my diet and eating habits so I can get skinny, healthier, fitter and less flabby…less processed food, more raw food and veggies.
On that note, I’m going to aim to run more, because as much as it’s a mission to get me to go for a run, I find it therapeutic after about 10 minutes, and I can keep going out of psychological motivation. I *WILL* have a body I like more, and I know it’s going to cost more time and effort on my part.
I really need to start caring less about things that aren’t that important, and stop stressing about things that aren’t that bad.
I need to stop wasting time and being more productive with my free time, even if it’s just reading a book or doing sketches, as long as I’m not spending hours browsing facebook.
That’s a fuck lot to commit to. But I suppose a lot of them overlap each other…so…we’ll see how I go…
Bring it on 2013…
Cleaning my room, but more so keeping it clean.
Dieting. (Always end up having an epic binge day that throws me off the healthy eating wagon…)
Listening to my own reasoning & logic.
Listening to my own advice that I give to people.
Making any consistent self confidence last longer than [current record!] 2 days.
I’m over it.
There is no point in thinking positive or being optimistic about things in life. It only ever leads to disappointment and depression for me.
I don’t know why people keep telling me to think positive. Maybe shit always works out for them.
I tried to be more positive this year. It’s only ever led to me feeling crushed afterwards. Recently, it’s happened way too often, pretty much one disappointment after the other.
I give up. I’m not going to be optimistic any more. I’m tired of feeling this shitty every time things don’t work out.
I just need to be more realistic, stop kidding/humouring myself, and stop expecting things to go the way I want them to.
I don’t really think this is me being pessimistic.
At least if I always expect the worst, then if things do go right, I’ll actually be happy about it and appreciate it more…and when things go wrong, I won’t be as upset about it.
I had this logic for years, actually. I tried recently to “think positive” since everyone told me I should because being “negative” was making me depressed. Actually, it turns out it sort of works the other way around. The disappointment I get from something I expect to be shit is way less depressing than that which I get from something I was optimistic about.
So yeah, lesson learned. FUCK OPTIMISM. I realise now there is no point to it.
Go to the gym for 2 hours doing Body Pump & Zumba to make me feel better about indulging in my delicious home made brownies.
Leave feeling worse about myself because of how my body looked in the mirrors.
I had to perform all 3 days at the 2nd Melbourne Tattoo & Body Art Expo. I was performing a group show with 3 other TrashDolls, and doing a few pole tricks.
This was terrifying because I had never ever performed dancing that wasn’t traditional Indonesian dance (and I was 13 the last time I did that), and I have only been doing pole dancing for roughly 4 months, and never practiced (until that week leading up to the expo), and I had never pole danced in front of an audience.
…also I was sick all week and got even sicker on the weekend.
I completely bombed my part on Sunday due to being drained and not having enough food in me to soak up the painkillers I had to take. Pretty embarrassed and disappointed in myself, but at least it’s motivated me to practice more pole and work on strength so if I ever have to do that again I won’t fail at it.
I feel pretty good about having managed to do it though. I never would have thought I could.
So far I have a mostly free week, until Saturday when I am modelling for Necrolillitha at the Catwalk Carnival. Spent today sleeping in and recovering. I am sore all over.
I give up on not being busy.
have time to go out, party, and have fun - but feeling too depressed and anxious to leave the house so I become a hermit and barely see anyone.
barely have time to do anything with uni finishing so soon, and a shitload of work to do - really fucking keen to go out, party, and have fun.
well, at least the money I save from going out is going to buying myself pretty things…
Things that didn’t suck this week:
1. I got 3 out of 4 shoots done for my Dyscrasia series, and I did some shots for my Psyche (working title) series.
2. I finally got round to updating my artist page on facebook, and have received pretty good feedback on it, as well as people volunteering to model for my folio work.
3. Pseudoephedrine + codeine cold & flu meds.
4. Was too sick to attend Thursday’s pole class, so I went to one on Saturday, and managed to get on the pole upside down by myself, even though my mounting wasn’t perfect.
5. Restored some of the fun & silly music from my youth onto my iTunes. Oh, pop punk & nu metal, you remind me of the days when my worst problems would be commonplace in my life today.
6. 70 people on Facebook liked the photo of my backside from Carpe Noctum, haha, cool, my bum must be decent?
I can’t think of much else…and only a few of these are very significant…but at least I tried!
Totally fell off the diet & fitness wagon this week, but determined to get back on it tomorrow. Still a little unwell, so I won’t be able to go back into exercising too hardcore just yet, but I just need to get back into the habit!
I’m even blocked from commenting and liking things on facebook.
REALLY big thanks to whoever reported my image. I hope you get severe food poisoning, or amoebic dysentery for at least a week. If I’m going to have a shitty week that you’ve just made worse, I hope you have a horrible week too.
Instead of reporting out of focus nipples that aren’t in any way sexual, why not report all those photos of girls in skimpy tight clothes posing sexy? I guarantee you they are more sexual than the barely nude I posted.
So angry. This week needs to look up soon or I may lose it.
I know I complain a lot & get stressed over little things, but this week I think I have every right to, but it’s just so much shit & I’m sick & therefore too tired to bother complaining about everything.
on the plus side, I will be knocking out an entire series of photos for my final folio, so that’ll be good.
I’m actually quite proud of my folio concepts, because they are so well researched & thought out, and pretty damn intelligent and awesomely connected to each other.
However, as smart as I feel for coming up with them and making them work together, they’re a real bitch to write about and explain without essentially writing a freaking essay. (I haven’t even begun to talk about how I plan on organising & presenting my work…)
…and this is why I’m a pessimist, cynical, and untrusting of human decency most of the time.
That said, I did say I’d challenge myself to write out all the good things that happen to me each week. So here goes.
1. I was introduced to the amazing vegan menu at the Cornish Arms by Brock, and we had a nice dinner & catchup, and I had a godly vegan parma.
2. I got positive approval and encouragement from my lecturer for my new/changed concepts for two of my photo series for my final folio.
3. I have organised all 4 shoots for one of my series, so once this week is done, and I’ve done all those shoots, that’s one whole series completed.
4. I got to see my lovely Krissi, whom I hadn’t seen for a while and uber missed. Happy hangs were had.
5. I had one of the best soy chais I’ve ever had with Krissi before heading back to Melbourne.
6. I did two pole classes in a row, which was painful, but I felt pretty damn good about it.
7. $5 pesto pizza.
8. ….the world doesn’t need to know about this one haha… :p
9. I managed to go meet someone new on my own, without going into an anxiety/panic attack. I was close to one, but managed to go have fun anyway. Go me.
10. I caught up with Kim, Jesse, and Seb, and we watched Disney movies while they kindly let me use their washer and dryer to get through my monstrous pile of laundry.
11. I spent the day with Mel & Damian, after not seeing them for about 6 months!? Awesome catchups were had!
I’m going to force myself, every Sunday night, to write a list of all the good/positive things of the past week.
Maybe I’ll list particularly bad things too, just so I can compare the two.
I’ve always been a pessimist and optimism always leads to disappointment for me, but well, we’ll give this a go and see how it works out for me…