Heading home to Indonesia tomorrow!!
Colossal thanks to my cousins & auntie for spending time with me, looking after me, and putting up with me for the last 6 months. And massive thanks to my close friends (you know who you are) & my manthing for being there from a distance. You’ve all have made this whole situation & experience so much more bearable.
As much as ending up here was not my choice & was a set back in my life plans, some good & even one excellent thing has come out of it (♥).
Maybe things do happen for a reason.
New chapter in my life begins soon.
Can’t deny I’m looking forward to what’s coming next.
Passion, Love, and Hate.
An acquaintance & I were having an angry, heated conversation over a negative topic we felt the same about. He asked to stop since he was getting too riled up & had to meet a client soon where he needed to be positive.
I said to use that passion and apply it positively.
Somehow it turned into a whole elaborate analysis of passion in relation to love and hate…(my comments are the indented/block quoted text)
"Hate and passion can get mistaken, but I’m pretty sure you can’t turn hate into passion? Or positive passion? Can you?"
"Well, what else is angry make-up sex then?"
"Sorry, it is hate. Hate is still part of passion, so they can switch around, but hateful thoughts into positive energy is hard."
"Hate requires passion.
Simply disliking someone is just like simply liking person. Like ‘Meh he’s a dick but it doesn’t get my gears going strong…’ or ‘Well she’s a nice girl but we’re just friends.’
Add passion and it’s like….’He’s a fucking dickhead asshole who should be anally raped by a fire poker!’ or ‘She’s the most amazing girl in the world, and means the world to me!’”
"I used to have a lot of sex with girls who felt that first way about me. It works."
"A lot of people say hate and love are almost identical because both are such passionate emotions. And both hating and loving someone require more effort and devotion."
"Like you said, it’s such a lukewarm feeling of ‘yeah he’s a nice guy’…it won’t get you laid or remembered, but if you get on their nerves they will remember."
"Like the haters who spend so much time stalking my page then harassing me. They probably obsess over me and my life and my posts as much as a creepy internet stalker who tells me they love me and think I’m super amazing.
I don’t like a lot of people but I have better things to do than obsess about their lives and bitch at them anonymously over everything. So it’s not really a passionate hatred. More of a ‘you’re dead to me’ emotion.
Passionate hatred is almost flattering because it’s like ‘Wow me and my life are THAT much of an issue to you that I affect your life when I really shouldn’t!’
It’s like having that person you’re so in love with you can’t stop thinking about.
Whereas ‘you’re dead to me’, ignoring the person, cutting them out of your life, etc, is more of a low blow.
It’s like ‘Dude, you’re so worthless, I’m not even going to bother acknowledging your existence. You mean less to me than what I flushed down the toilet this morning…at least that had a purpose in my life.”
Haha…there wasn’t that much point to that post…but I kind of liked how elaborate that ended up being and felt like sharing… :p
A while ago I decided to keep a “workout jar” as a way to keep me motivated. I’d put $1 in every time I worked out.
I owe it $12 but am so broke right now and therefore too cheap to add to it because I need that money to eat right now.
So instead I’m keeping a tally of my exercise so I can add that money later when I have it…
I wonder how much I actually have in there right now…I’m avoiding taking any of it out because I have a feeling I will be thanking myself sometime in the future when I really, really need it, or it somehow pays for something awesome for myself…maybe I’ll keep it going until it can pay for a boob job…holy shit, ultimate workout motivation!
“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live and I need to live it in the best way possible.”
– Paulo Coelho
I hate thinking about my New Year’s resolutions…
…because I tend to fail at keeping them. However, 2012 has been such a headfuck of a year, with half of it involving me feeling like absolute shit, feeling too upset to leave the house and too anxious to do anything.
I want to try my hardest to grab 2013 by its metaphorical balls and do my best to not let depression and anxiety get in the way of doing things.
By the end of the year I want to be confident with how I look, or at least comfortable enough with my body that I can fake confidence all the time, instead of just every now and then.
I want to give up some of my bad habits or at least seriously minimise them, and completely revamp my diet and eating habits so I can get skinny, healthier, fitter and less flabby…less processed food, more raw food and veggies.
On that note, I’m going to aim to run more, because as much as it’s a mission to get me to go for a run, I find it therapeutic after about 10 minutes, and I can keep going out of psychological motivation. I *WILL* have a body I like more, and I know it’s going to cost more time and effort on my part.
I really need to start caring less about things that aren’t that important, and stop stressing about things that aren’t that bad.
I need to stop wasting time and being more productive with my free time, even if it’s just reading a book or doing sketches, as long as I’m not spending hours browsing facebook.
That’s a fuck lot to commit to. But I suppose a lot of them overlap each other…so…we’ll see how I go…
Bring it on 2013…
Things I really fail at:
Cleaning my room, but more so keeping it clean.
Dieting. (Always end up having an epic binge day that throws me off the healthy eating wagon…)
Listening to my own reasoning & logic.
Listening to my own advice that I give to people.
Making any consistent self confidence last longer than [current record!] 2 days.
Go to the gym for 2 hours doing Body Pump & Zumba to make me feel better about indulging in my delicious home made brownies.
Leave feeling worse about myself because of how my body looked in the mirrors.
Last week was intense.
I had to perform all 3 days at the 2nd Melbourne Tattoo & Body Art Expo. I was performing a group show with 3 other TrashDolls, and doing a few pole tricks.
This was terrifying because I had never ever performed dancing that wasn’t traditional Indonesian dance (and I was 13 the last time I did that), and I have only been doing pole dancing for roughly 4 months, and never practiced (until that week leading up to the expo), and I had never pole danced in front of an audience.
…also I was sick all week and got even sicker on the weekend.
I completely bombed my part on Sunday due to being drained and not having enough food in me to soak up the painkillers I had to take. Pretty embarrassed and disappointed in myself, but at least it’s motivated me to practice more pole and work on strength so if I ever have to do that again I won’t fail at it.
I feel pretty good about having managed to do it though. I never would have thought I could.
So far I have a mostly free week, until Saturday when I am modelling for Necrolillitha at the Catwalk Carnival. Spent today sleeping in and recovering. I am sore all over.
I give up on not being busy.
What does it say about the world we live in and the people in it when I get really surprised at people doing nice things for me (especially without reason or expecting something in return), but don’t really think twice about when people are jerks to me? :\
have time to go out, party, and have fun - but feeling too depressed and anxious to leave the house so I become a hermit and barely see anyone.
barely have time to do anything with uni finishing so soon, and a shitload of work to do - really fucking keen to go out, party, and have fun.
well, at least the money I save from going out is going to buying myself pretty things…
this week was terrible for the most part, but I promised myself I’d do a weekly positive review, so…
Things that didn’t suck this week:
1. I got 3 out of 4 shoots done for my Dyscrasia series, and I did some shots for my Psyche (working title) series.
2. I finally got round to updating my artist page on facebook, and have received pretty good feedback on it, as well as people volunteering to model for my folio work.
3. Pseudoephedrine + codeine cold & flu meds.
4. Was too sick to attend Thursday’s pole class, so I went to one on Saturday, and managed to get on the pole upside down by myself, even though my mounting wasn’t perfect.
5. Restored some of the fun & silly music from my youth onto my iTunes. Oh, pop punk & nu metal, you remind me of the days when my worst problems would be commonplace in my life today.
6. 70 people on Facebook liked the photo of my backside from Carpe Noctum, haha, cool, my bum must be decent?
I can’t think of much else…and only a few of these are very significant…but at least I tried!
Totally fell off the diet & fitness wagon this week, but determined to get back on it tomorrow. Still a little unwell, so I won’t be able to go back into exercising too hardcore just yet, but I just need to get back into the habit!
I’m even blocked from commenting and liking things on facebook.
REALLY big thanks to whoever reported my image. I hope you get severe food poisoning, or amoebic dysentery for at least a week. If I’m going to have a shitty week that you’ve just made worse, I hope you have a horrible week too.
Instead of reporting out of focus nipples that aren’t in any way sexual, why not report all those photos of girls in skimpy tight clothes posing sexy? I guarantee you they are more sexual than the barely nude I posted.
So angry. This week needs to look up soon or I may lose it.
this really isn’t my week.
I know I complain a lot & get stressed over little things, but this week I think I have every right to, but it’s just so much shit & I’m sick & therefore too tired to bother complaining about everything.
on the plus side, I will be knocking out an entire series of photos for my final folio, so that’ll be good.
My brain can be a jerk to me, but sometimes it’s pretty badass.
I’m actually quite proud of my folio concepts, because they are so well researched & thought out, and pretty damn intelligent and awesomely connected to each other.
However, as smart as I feel for coming up with them and making them work together, they’re a real bitch to write about and explain without essentially writing a freaking essay. (I haven’t even begun to talk about how I plan on organising & presenting my work…)
On the plus side, I guess I’ll just ramble on about my concepts during tomorrow’s assessment until the lecturers get overwhelmed by my ideas and tell me to shut up, and just give me a good mark for knowing my shit, and obviously spending hours researching & finding connections between psychology, new age spirituality, and ancient medicine based on bodily fluids. Yep. Here’s hoping!
I always learn things the hard way…
…and this is why I’m a pessimist, cynical, and untrusting of human decency most of the time.
That said, I did say I’d challenge myself to write out all the good things that happen to me each week. So here goes.
1. I was introduced to the amazing vegan menu at the Cornish Arms by Brock, and we had a nice dinner & catchup, and I had a godly vegan parma.
2. I got positive approval and encouragement from my lecturer for my new/changed concepts for two of my photo series for my final folio.
3. I have organised all 4 shoots for one of my series, so once this week is done, and I’ve done all those shoots, that’s one whole series completed.
4. I got to see my lovely Krissi, whom I hadn’t seen for a while and uber missed. Happy hangs were had.
5. I had one of the best soy chais I’ve ever had with Krissi before heading back to Melbourne.
6. I did two pole classes in a row, which was painful, but I felt pretty damn good about it.
7. $5 pesto pizza.
8. ….the world doesn’t need to know about this one haha… :p
9. I managed to go meet someone new on my own, without going into an anxiety/panic attack. I was close to one, but managed to go have fun anyway. Go me.
10. I caught up with Kim, Jesse, and Seb, and we watched Disney movies while they kindly let me use their washer and dryer to get through my monstrous pile of laundry.
11. I spent the day with Mel & Damian, after not seeing them for about 6 months!? Awesome catchups were had!